Thursday, July 31, 2008
Got woken up at 6am by my mother, her eyes were all filled with tears. I asked her what has happened. She told me the hospital called and say that Ahkong may not be able to make it. My mother and me changed our clothes and rush down the staircase. On our way down i asked my mother if i could smoke, she allowed. Its the first time she allowed me to smoke infront of her. In the end i didn't as i felt it was disrespectful. She anxiously run to the main road with her heels on to flag a cab. We was the first to arrive there, when we entered the ward a nurse pronounced him dead. My mother burst into tears hugging him, i was stoned. My heart was filled with regret.I asked myself why didn't i visit him when i still have the chance? Tears started to roll down my cheek as i heard mother saying in hokkien "why did u have to go so soon?Why didn't you wait for me?Your hands are still warm." I patted mother on the shoulder. I really want to console her and talk to Ahkong but i did not know how to express my feelings out. Called YingYing and talked to her. She consoled me and gave me her condolence. Thanks Yingying, You are a very great friend. You have been there for me almost everytime and i am truly very grateful to you.I went back to the ward mother asked me to talk to ahkong i cried harder tell her "i don't know what and how to talk to him" with my heart filled with regrets and sadness. I hate myself for not being able to express my feeling into words.
Life is like a candle in the wind
Im sorry Ahkong, i have been an unfilial Grandson. I will always remember how you called me "Jialor" when i was small, when you cannot pronounce my name properly, Although we have drifted this few years, i still cry for you when i am typing all this down. I am sorry for scolding you when i was small now i know u meant me well, im sorry i took money from you just to buy a toy. Im very sorry that i was mischevious and i never visited you even once in the hospital, i am sorry i can feel how lonely you are when you are lying on the hospital bed and im sorry i can only express out my feelings in this blog. Ahkong i am sorry. I just wished you know how am i feeling now. Tears rolling down my cheek i really cant stop my tear. I keep thinking of how you dote on me last time and how bad i treated you last time. Ahkong, i promise you that i will be more filial and visit Ahmah. Ahmah's pain must be alot of times more then mine. I promise you that i won't let Mummy worry for me anymore, I will study hard next year when i start schooling and i don't want to be a deliquent anymore. Even if i am a gangster in your eyes i want to be a educated gangster who care for his family and relatives. Im sorry Ahkong for not being able to let you see me one last time. I know tears can't bring you back, this is more pain than a break up. I heard from mummy you was just fine on sunday. How can everything happen so sudden? God, please ask the angels and holyspirit bring Ahkong to heaven i beg you and may he rest in peace in Jesus name i pray, Amen.
I know sadness cannot change anything,
I will do everything i can do be a better person,
Please rest in peace now Ahkong,
Im sorry for being such a unfilial boy
I will change,
I love you Ahkong.
31july2008; 5.45am
Why must i lose then i know how to cherish? i am a unfilial boy.
